J and I have spent several days exchanging messages that have become more and more intense and charged with a chemistry that is electric. Yesterday he affirmed that he wants to “train and mold” me and asked me to consider how, even at this early stage, my inclination to submitting to him is growing. Whilst he was correct in his assumption, I reminded him that life experience has taught me to be cautious when at the start of any relationship, but especially one that involves such high emotions. The first tentative steps where one reaches out to the other can so easily lead to much distress if one or the other suddenly withdraws, leaving the other to stumble or fall flat on their face. Similarly, if one or both try to run before they can walk, more potential disaster looms.
After a very heavy work day and then teaching a three hour dance class, I returned home, showered and prepared for bed. After a brief text exchange with J, he explained he was actually on the road approx. 40 mins away and wanted to come to see me. As I was extremely tired both physically and mentally, and as we’ve planned to meet for the first time at a coffee bar this Saturday, I said that I didn’t think it was a good idea. After 30 mins of texts, which made me feel vulnerable and even more emotional, I gave in and sent him my address, which is something this morning I regret. I told him I felt that he put me under pressure and took advantage of me – he said it had been a test. In the cold light of day, I now have doubts about how much I can or want to trust this man.
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