That’s how much sleep I have gotten in the last 3 days. I am extremely tired, so much so that when I do lie down, I can’t fall sleep right away. When I finally do, I drift in and out, my head throbbing. I am so tired that I am nautious. I am detached, disconnected, back in a world of nothingness far away from what I want in my life. I can’t have the safety of being home right now and so in response my mind rebels, pushing everyone away. In short, I think too much.
I have several splendid possibilities coming up that titillate the nerves. One is with a good friend, good enough that I have said no to Master for the first time in… well for the first time. To be more accurate, this morning I will tell him soon, but not yet. Meagan and I have been friends for a long time, longer than I have known him and we need to be settled before anything happens. I’m happy about this circumstance and I refuse to rush it. This friendship is too important to me and I will not compromise it, even for him. If it happens, it happens, but we’re not quite there yet.
Andy and I have not spoken, not really, for several months now, but he texted me to check in a few days ago, Seems he and his longtime girlfriend split up and he needed a little shoulder to beat on. No, no I haven’t seem him at all, much less in a sexual way, though I admit to thinking about it. Andy will provide an exquisite pain. He is so full of quiet rage that when he looses it, he may actually kill me, I exaggerated slightly of course, but not by a lot. I fear that when he does lose his anger, he will not be able to reign it in immediately.
Well why in the world would I see him then you ask. That is an excellent question. I have figured out a lot of my disconnectedness of late. Way back when I started seeing Bear, when I asked him for that emotional connection, I meant it with my whole heart. I was in that place as a sub, as a slave where I needed more than just mind blowing sex. This venture is about more than that for me. I think it always has been, but I needed to realize it again.
I know in my vanilla life that things can’t change and I’m not asking for that. Right now, I can’t be collared, not really as I am married. I’m not asking for that. What I want is to be needed. I look around at my non-vanilla friends and I see the kinds of relationships that I want. I know it can be done. It isn’t so much about being together constantly… its… *sigh*
I want him to think about me when we are apart. I want him to desire me, not just my body but who I am. I want him to think of me and all the splendid little pains and pleasures he will inflict and when he does, I don’t want him to be able to think about anyone else in that capacity. I don’t mean physically as I would never presume to tell any Master who they could or couldn’t have sexually, but emotionally… I need a strong Master who will possess me entirely, bring me to my knees quaking and tenderly push my into being a better woman, a better slave.
Yes, I realize this is selfish and childish in a lot of ways. It even borders on being not at all subby the demands I am making. The men in my life… all of the men, in every capacity… if I were to fall off the Earth tomorrow, every one of them would pick up, move on without blinking an eye. Some wouldn’t even notice. I’m good in bed, enjoy sucking cock and have been told I am quite good at it. I have a deep capacity to take large amounts of pain and my body gushes with excitement when I do. I am extremely obedient and will do damn near anything, take anything he wishes to give in order to please the man I am with. My one desire, my one demand is that in return, he possess me, by force if necessary, body and soul.
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